solace within

Thursday, April 26, 2007
Open to Intepretation

Music- I really still love Hellicopter.

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm tender care).

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.

Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments. It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone - to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.

Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was.

How so true. How so freaking true. But I'm glad they said WTC, not TLC :D

Last fri (ptm day), I stayed back with grace to do math. I remember it was se's syf day too. Grace and cy went for their guides stuff for awhile and I was just staring blankly at the se ppl make merry. I was already in a pensive mood and I guess I just lapsed into this blank mood. I thought of many things, my goals and my failures etc. Jobina even came up to me, waved in front of me and asked

J: ni wei she me zai fa dai? ni mei shi ba?
me: huh? I'm alright. :D
J: mm na hao ba.

Seriously, I didn't relise she even would acknowledge me. It's just that I haven't talked to her for such a long time.

Back to myself, I was trying to convince myself that I should just give up trying to talk to people anymore. In fact, I was (like what I did a couple of years ago) trying to "clear my buddy list". Yeah I guess I was feeling disappointed with many things, including myself. Grace asked me what was wrong and I think I replied that I was just so tired of the world. All the faces start to look the same and those around me have become an illution I guess. Maybe I'm being my idiotically gutless self. For goodness sake, if you want to cut off, just snip the freaking scissors. I seriously hate myself.

I don't understand. How can I thank God for everything sincerely yet not be able to pick myself up? The bottom line: I swear I will not have a 2-year expiry date. For those who know what happened, good for you.

Fantasy worlds. They are oh-so-fab.

Certain words I use may not be reflective of who I am. They may be what I want to be.

And IF I fail this time, I'll never forgive myself. Never.

Sorry my friends, I want you to confide in me, yet I don't talk to you. But I think we're just waiting for the other to talk first. Or maybe some of you don't want me around? I guess, I do cherish you guys.

On a lighter note, my mum was telling me how scientists have found another earth, over dinner. Then she asked me if I read about it in the bible. I conveniently left out the fact that the last time I read it was nearly 5-6 years ago. In fact, I started 1-2 months ago and I'm stil at Exodus. Heh.

"And all those who have died in Christ will be transformed into new bodies in the new heaven and earth God will create" after the end. How pretty.

Everything happens for a purpose- This is something I always use to console myself. You walked in and left me so I would go back to God. I was the one who forsook him and I'm going to change that. My phone spoilt so I would have to get rid of stuff I wouldn't have the guts to do so if otherwise. There, there, I don't mean much, I'm just quite glad that I'm starting to lean on Him again.

Everything happens for a purpose. I remember sometime ago, bryan suddenly talked to me. It was so hearwarming to know how jovial he still is and how he's scared of becoming independent. Puts me to shame eh?

I love you guys (:

I mumbled to myself not to mumble ever again- 5:37 AM

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